“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
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Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”