You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
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[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
That was easy.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL