[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
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So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL