Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
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“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.