My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
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“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people: