Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
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40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait