Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
You Might Also Like
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Oh we’ve met.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣