I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
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[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.