Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
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My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop