My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
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Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”