It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
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blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
so this horse walks into a bar
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.