Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
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me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
yeah 😭
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
BaD BoY!!
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”