If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
You Might Also Like
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.