Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
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A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
i guess his teacher was really pissed
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying