When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
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Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Worth remembering.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
me and the Superbowl rn