I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
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Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Nomnomnomnom
They did not miss in the small print
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar