Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
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[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack