The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
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my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Well, this is awkward
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.