Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
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Extremely relatable.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Welcome to the stomach
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
choose your gary
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.