My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
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ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Ooh I do like a good funnel
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown