No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
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[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-