Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
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You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Finally! 😈
m’lady
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found