I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
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The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
😂 amazing answer
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Perfect