All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
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When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.