If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
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If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?