ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
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The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you