ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
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dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
My Guy
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
The asteroid..
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge