I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
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hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
stand with me against insufficient seating
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?