A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
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Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
I don’t make the rules sorry