“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
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Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?