I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
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A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
good for her
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.