When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
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me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.