Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
You Might Also Like
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
I can’t deal with men any longer
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.