dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
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Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.