Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
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You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards