Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
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The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.