my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
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The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
I’m already scared
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?