Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
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My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.