ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
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M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm