ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
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dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Why am I like this?
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.