Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
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Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office