Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
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to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.