My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
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My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail