If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
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“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?