My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
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peep davidson
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
A choir of Spring onions
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Sponch
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
A drum solo but on your face.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.