Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
You Might Also Like
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
crochet youtube is brutal
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”