One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
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My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
I think the cat got the dog high.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
🤣🤣🤣
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?