Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
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Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
The first one, obviously
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
The news is so predictable nowadays
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
How long do you have to wait between naps?
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”