ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
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Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
I love it all
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.