*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
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Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Siri: Retweet me.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*